When I heard this for the first time, immediately, I said No. I am not ready for that.
Relentlessly, they kept saying the same thing. Knowing the connection and their love for me, I realized there was something I needed to face in this vulnerability.
Do you follow the truth of who you are, who you know yourself to be? Or do you sit back in a manner of security to remain sanctioned in your private cell? Guarding yourself from judgement you remain silent.
The words haunted me. I knew of their importance and their need to be acknowledged, yet I feared the worst. Something that lead me to feel hypocritical in my own skin. Being a teacher, a mentor, someone who teaches others to be righteous in their soulful purpose in this life, I am hiding behind fear of condemnation.
“Who am I to be so bold?”, I thought. Then I hear this.. “Claim your power. The world is at the mercy of broken hearts waiting for someone to teach them how to heal. They don’t know of you until you tell them. Tell them who you really are.”
I sat with this for several days. Incredibly uncomfortable and unsure of how to take the step in this direction, everything pointed to taking the leap, of having faith and letting go.
With their guidance, I allowed myself the time and space to feel into my own power and share my knowledge with the world.
Let me be clear of what and who I speak of.. I am a Spiritual Medium. My gift wasn’t always part of my life, yet I knew I was different. I knew things, I felt the emotions of others, I understood things I had no previous knowledge of. I was curious, needing to know more – the taboo aspects of life from growing up in a christian home. This was never to be who I am, or what I do for a career.
About three years ago my life was in turmoil. Much of my emotional stability had fallen to pieces and I was desperate to know why. Blame, resentment, anger, loneliness and pain surfaced. Negative emotions ran rampant through my mind for longer than I can remember. I felt that I was out of place in my own life. Almost everything began to lose their sense of meaning, of purpose.
Someone mentioned that quite possibly I was moving through an identity crisis after setting aside my ambitious nature to embrace motherhood. That seemed rational, yet didn’t feel like the right answer.
A wife and mom, an entrepreneur and actively involved in our kids’ lives – and unsure what my tomorrow would look like. Around this time, I turned to meditation, in an attempt to understand who I was becoming and this part of me that I was losing.
Rather quickly my meditative practice became something I never expected. I was in-touch with a part of my subconscious that I never knew existed. I was no longer living on a surface level of life. A deepness that I was sure was hidden far within my soul had began to surface.
I sat in my bed, soaked with tears as I tried to make sense of who I really was.
I had fallen to my own depths.
Completely misunderstood in my own world.
I became aware of my inner strength. A spiritual connection that held the answers I had been seeking for years. My tattered, bruised and broken heart began to heal. I began to feel powerful, with purpose. I began to let go of the hardened exterior I hid behind.
The edges of my existence softened. As I healed, I vowed to myself that if I could heal myself through the knowledge I had dove into, the mentors I had confided in, and the new standard I held myself to – I was going to help others do the same.
I saw the world differently. My eyes had brightened to notice beauty in a reflective manor, a way of seeing the little wonders of life in such splendor and excellence. The brilliance of a morning sun and the magnificence of the moon, I reveled in their beauty. In-touch with elements of nature that I had shunned once upon a time, a new me had been born.
One habit that hadn’t changed was my passion for writing. I journal every day. I wrote of the messages I received in my meditations, I wrote of the people I connected with, and on occasion, I would allow those people to channel through me to write in my journal. This became a more frequent occurrence once I understood how to do so properly.
Oddly enough, at this point I was still unsure of what this “gift” was called. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure this wasn’t something everyone could “tap into” or learn. I began seeking out others who spoke openly about spirituality and “gifts”. I began researching how-to’s and what not to do. I began practicing and consulting others. Quickly, I knew it was time to step into my power.
In a short time, connecting to Spirit became what I did. Meditating became my release, my power, my stability.
Understanding the power of stillness and quieting the mind became the healing power within my soul that I craved. Living in a hectic, noisy world took away from an aesthetic that no longer brought a smile to my face. I craved solitude, simplicity and subtle beauty. I craved understanding, learning, helping and changing above all else.
The person I had spent all of my life emulating was a shell of a person that never existed; a falsehood of my true existence. I was much more than I allowed myself to be. I am powerful. I am a leader. I am all that I envision, plus more.
From the moment I decided to step into my power and accept who I am with full vulnerability, I began to live fully, peacefully and helping others live the most meaningful life they could ever imagine.
“You already are all that you desire” – one of the first downloads I received in meditation, as I was begging for transformation, a means to become someone else to be happy. Now I know why.. because I already am all that I desire.
It was killing me to hate myself for not living up to someone else’s expectations; I had to lose myself to appreciate my truth.
In my journey, I learned to love myself, the bits and pieces of grief, the shadows, the light and the power I carry within my soul, a healing nature of someone who has embraced her identity wholeheartedly.
This is my story. A chapter that I needed to tell. A part of my being that has the capability to change the dynamic of our society by healing hearts in acceptance, self love and inner peace.
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