Look Within.

Here’s a story that most people don’t know.  I tell it now, not because I feel anyone needs to know the happenings of my relationships, yet to understand how powerful we are as humans.

We hold the power to change our entire reality; our entire world.

A few short years ago, I felt lost.  Completely lost within myself.  I was a wife and mother, but I felt deep inside that I was to be more.  I was made to be something amazing.  Yet my existence was nothing more than “wife” and “mom”.  As fulfilling as those things are, something was calling to me to become more.

This may seem hard to comprehend, but my world was crashing around me and I could barely breathe.  I knew something had to change, I just wasn’t sure what.

For a long time, I searched.  I searched, I drew conclusions, I made rash decisions.  I thought I knew what I wanted and what was best for myself and the kids.  I allowed relationships to fall apart, threw blame at people in an unjust manner and began down a road of self destructive behavior.  I was utterly lost.

No matter what “conclusion” I had reached, I still didn’t feel found.  I was still going through the motions of the mundane, breathing without actually living, and completely unhappy with myself.  The choices I was making made me feel worse.  I couldn’t find the path to light that made my soul sing.  I was surrounding myself in thoughts of an unsettling and heavy mind.

My darkness kept sinking deeper.

I tried so hard to put on a happy face for the outside world, yet deep within I was dying.

I scrolled through social media, lost and seeking something that made sense.  I had no direction or way out, but after feeling such despair for so long, I knew I needed to dig my way up.

After months of telling myself “no, I’m not the problem”, I realized that I was a major player in the problem.  I needed to change something within myself.  Something major.

I said something one day (before my realization) that brought me to a screeching halt.  I told my husband that I never wanted to marry him.  I actually said those words.  I saw the impact of my words in his eyes.  His heart had literally broken before me.

I had always had a mean streak.  That was something I was known for, like it or not.  I prided myself on being brutally honest.  It became the joke of who I was.  But the day that I said those words to my husband I knew was the moment I needed to change who I was.

This person didn’t deserve my life.  I have a great life and this person was just cruel.

I began praying.  I didn’t know what I needed, but a change was imperative.  I sat.  However, whenever I could, I just sat in a quiet space.  I needed to be alone to figure out why I was acting this way and how the heck to get out of it.  I knew I needed a massive change to be who I wanted to be.

Praying / meditating became my go-to.  It allowed me something that I never knew I needed.  To go within my own mind, quietly without judgement or expectation, and to just be.  I began researching meditation; the how to’s, what to do, what to say, the meaning of it all.  I began looking for answers in better locations, better patterns of thinking.  I wasn’t sure how I got here, but I knew I had hit my version of rock bottom and a light was beginning to shine.

One day it all began to make sense.  I was holding onto feelings of resentment for things that happened years prior; things that no longer mattered.  I was holding a grudge on my husband (and others) for anything and everything that “pissed me off”!  (Which was just about anything).  I had held onto this persona of someone who was defined by the outside world, but never truly felt like me.  I allowed others to decide who I would be, not realizing that this only led to believing I was someone I wasn’t.

None of these things were serving me.  None of them were making me happy.  None of them were getting me closer to the life I wanted.  All of these things held me down like a weight on my shoulders that I was drowning in a sea of darkness, unworthiness, and fear.

I was afraid to be ME.  I was afraid to take down the barrier that guarded my heart.  I was afraid to be vulnerable.  I was afraid to make the necessary changes to myself to be a better person.

I was tired of being afraid.  I was tired of living up to others’ expectations, and not my own.  

I decided to become more.  To allow myself to be who I needed to be.  To be who my family deserved.  I decided to make peace with who I am and enjoy living life in a new way.

I taught myself to think differently, to change my perspectives, to change my reality.  I knew that I may not be the sole reason things weren’t perfect, but I was a big one.  And that wasn’t okay.

I made BIG changes.  I learned the value of self love; the value of forgiveness; the value of knowledge.  I learned that positivity truly does shape my reality, and that the way I react to things has a massive effect on my world.

My “old ways” of doing just about everything were gone.  I found new ways to enjoy myself, to be happy, to be ME!

In time, I trained myself to rewire my brain from victim to empowered.  To stop seeing all things as they’re happening to me, yet instead see life as a lesson – to learn from it and grow.

What can I learn from the circumstances in which I created? What can I change to be more positive, to have a better outcome, to achieve all the things that I want to be/ achieve?

I trained myself to think better – to be better.

I changed my habits.  I changed the way I found happiness.  I changed just about anything that didn’t make me feel like a million dollars.

Then, and only then, is when my life began to feel different.  Happier.  More fulfilled.

You see, far too often we look to others for validation, to make us happy, to be the light that we seek..  without realizing that everything we seek is within us!

We are the source of our own happiness, our own circumstances, our own reality.

We need to work within ourselves, to love ourselves, to take the pressure off of things that don’t truly matter and begin to see life for what it is.. our perception of who we think we need to be for others; not ourselves.

The thing is..  we can’t truly love anyone else until we learn to fully love ourselves.

And then we teach others how to love us.  Be an example, the spokesperson for your life, the one person to define who you are, how you’ll live and the choice to be happy.

Sometimes growth can be scary, but the results (which are ever growing!) are worth it!

You are worth it.