I have days when I feel that no one understands how I feel. When I feel that no words can accurately express what’s going on inside my heart and mind. Sadly, this happens more often that I’d like to admit.
Yes, my daughter has Down Syndrome, and yes, she is a handful more often than not. But what you don’t see is how your inconsiderate mentions of my seemingly inadequate parenting is taking its toll on me. I won’t say it, but you’re making it worse. You’re making me feel like my parenting is unmatched to yours. What you fail to understand is that my child will never be like yours.. and you will never grasp that.
On the occasion that I would discuss my frustrations of whatever is happening with her at the time, I do so because I trust you. Not because I need a response. I just need a listening ear. When I say that you’ll never understand our life, I don’t say those words to be condescending.. I mean that sincerely because sometimes I don’t understand either.
I hear when you say you love her, she’s so sweet and cute, and how awesome she’s doing. What you don’t know is the glares I catch, the disgust I see on faces, and the comments said that I’m not supposed to hear. All of which are soul crushing.
It may not seem like it to you, but I’m doing my best. I’m putting in every ounce of effort, every ounce of selflessness I have, and every sleepless night to make sure she’s okay. And some days I just want to break.
I have days that I lock the bathroom door so I can have a few minutes alone to weep and not have to explain why I’m hurting. Sometimes I lay in bed before the sun rises and thank God for allowing me to be her mother, before she begins to stir. There are days that she makes me feel crazy and all it takes is her tiny face to look at me and say “I wove you Mommy” to take all of the anxiety away.
But please don’t judge me. I’m doing the best I can. I get it.. sometimes I look (and feel) beyond frazzled.. as if I really can’t handle my life. Just know that I can. Until you’ve spent a day living my life, feeling my emotions, and steering through my doubts, I don’t need your burden as well.
You’re dear to me and my child, but we’ve got all the negativity our hearts can handle. And this mama can’t absorb any more.
So, please. I kindly ask for your patience with her. She isn’t yours and you’ll never understand. There are many times when I don’t either, yet I trust that there is a reason for all of it and I just have to be her person to guide her, help her, heal her, and make her feel safe.
After all, she is and always will be my baby girl. 🖤
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