I wake each morning the same way I finish.. with a passion to fulfill every dream imaginable. I know exactly what I want from this life and I am on a mission to succeed. I may not know every turn that will come my way, but I refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer. My passion is greater than my fear.
Then there are my demons. The ones that keep me from pushing past my comfort zone. The ones that keep me deep within my fear of failure and afraid of what might lie ahead. Every person we meet is successful in some way.. whether it be financially, artistically, academically, whatever, yet each person has an internal conflict going on that they will never show you. Some people are more forward about their downfalls; while some are better at keeping them to themselves. I’m unsure where I fall in this, yet I know that recently I have given into the sinking feeling of emotionally drowning.
If you know me personally, you know my life is in a bit of disarray. This is something that I don’t wish to elaborate on, yet this post is indirectly my story.
From an outside perspective, each of us likely have a seemingly outstanding life. We tend to hide the demons inside for fear of how others will perceive us. Not everyone is the same and not everyone wants an opinion. Speaking for myself, all I want is understanding. I sometimes wonder if that’s all everyone needs..
I try so hard to be the best mom, writer, friend, family I can be. Even while speaking truth of enlightenment, feeling carefree and full of life, I can honestly say that is far from my truth recently. I feel overwhelmed. Intensely, profusely, irritatingly exhausted. I know what I need to do, I know that I need to push past all of my fears and get off my rear to move forward. I have a boulder on my shoulders that doesn’t want to budge. That drowning feeling I was talking about.. this is it. My mind has been reeling for far too long with the downside of the choices I’ve made, the life I desire and a situation I’ve allowed myself to be part of.
Many days I begin with direct intent to accomplish this and that. To do what I neglected yesterday because I couldn’t bring my mind to be at peace for the time necessary to finish the job. I sit down at my computer and freeze. Minutes prior I knew exactly what needed done, but now I sit here blank, lost. I seek clarity. I long for the day of knowing my life is retreating down a path of purpose and not that of confusion and conflict. I know I have something valuable to add to this world, and I know that I can get there, breaking the chains that tie me down. My mind is in a fog. I have allowed my focus to be lost; to be brought to my knees, begging for something to lighten my load. I don’t speak of physical hardship, yet that of an emotional one.
For some, it may seem that life is perfect the majority of the time. And to that I can say, it is, but just as everyone has their days, this is mine. I discovered much about myself long ago.. I am an intuitive person. One who feels deeply with intensity and darkness. I can feel within myself when I’m taking a turn for the worse. I can feel when a situation isn’t right for me. And I’ve learned to trust my feelings because I know me better than anyone else. I’ve made a number of mistakes, yet of those I regret zero. Every decision, every move I’ve made has been an important factor in who I am today. Regret, grudges, and hatred are wasted emotions that only drain the soul of its purity, freedom and love. I don’t have time for that. This sinking feeling that I have recently isn’t the fault of anyone else, yet a position I currently hold in my life. Blame isn’t my game.
I’m not telling you this in an attempt for you to feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this because we’re all human. No matter how good the outside seems, we all have our dark days. Days when we need just a little more understanding, a little more time, and a lot more compassion. Each of us are different in our needs, I’m simply speaking for myself. For now, I need more me. I need to know that my road isn’t blocked by this shadowed moment that I’m in. That one day soon I’ll be back in the sunshine, full of clarity and power.
In my years, I’ve learned that keeping my circle small is more important than being popular. My voice isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and I respect that. Just as I can continue being my truest self, I can respectfully not belong to some for that reason. This one life is made of value and promise. I truly feel that no matter the circumstance, we can prevail!
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