Permission to break.

The days are longer than they ever used to be.  There are times when you can’t stand to open your eyes.  Going through the motions of life, just to keep the slightest bit of sanity alive.  Remembering all of the things that make you so uniquely you, it hurts.  You know that who you used to be, what you’ve always wanted for yourself and who you’ve become are so far from each other.

Each day you realize more and more how important you are.  Flashbacks of the life you’ve always dreamed you’d live refuse to leave your mind.  You read the books, you feel it in your soul.  You know that there’s so much more to who you are than the shell you’ve been hiding behind.  The roles you’ve allowed yourself to become, the obligations you’ve acquired for others to be happiest in their skin and all of the tears you’ve cried to rest your weary heart each night.

Let out the cries.  Free yourself from the chains of expectations that you can no longer live up to.  Be the person you feel yourself to be.  No matter what it is or where it takes you, live the life.  Do your thing. Stop allowing your dreams to take a backseat to every other person or thing that stands in your path.  Be who your heart sings about.

But cry, scream, nap, whatever makes your heart beat again.  Do the things that make you so uniquely you when you’re ready.

I’ve waited and I’ve settled.  Then I realized that its my turn to be who I am.  Its my turn to be happy.  It wasn’t an overnight transformation.  It was years of wondering why I allowed myself to become a last priority to myself.  Even after children, my dreams are only that to enhance them!  They are the reason I do everything, why my mind is always running with all of the things I want to make, be and succeed at.. so they can see that my world revolves around them.  That my desire to fulfill goals isn’t for selfish reasons (which if it were, that would be okay too!), but to provide them with the essential guidance that goals are achievable, necessary and drive you to be the best human possible.  I’m tired of being stagnant.  I’m done being who I should be.  Its time to be who I’m meant to be.  And trust me when I say that I’ve had the meltdowns, sitting in the dark crying when I realized that I was about to turn my entire world upside down, but that there is light at the end of this tunnel and I will be happy.  I will live the life I’ve always dreamed of.  We all have circumstances behind us.  We all have quirks that make us likable or not.  We all have something deep in our core that is dying to unleash its awesomeness on this world.  That’s where I am.  I’m going to write.  I’m going to write until my fingers fall off and my mind is blank.. and then I’m going to write some more.

If I live another day on this earth and leave my pages blank, I feel that I’ve failed not only myself, but my kids.  They deserve to see what spilling with passion, feeling the gratitude of completion and the rise of success looks like.  I’m going to fail.  I’m going to cry.  I’m going to break, time and time again, but I will get up with lessons learned and I will strive for better and better each day.

Here goes!