The Mama Chronicles: Me and the perception of failure.

We all fail at some point. We have climbed mountains, feeling exuberant only to lose our grip and crash hard. We have had moments of giddiness that band-aid our sulking reality.

This is what I want to talk about today. Failure. What haunts our dreams and kills the slightest tinge of hope. We allow our perception of failures to shadow what truly matters on our lives.. living!

You see, I’m speaking from experience and, mostly, from my heart. We hide behind smiles and makeup shielding the truth to ourselves. I do it too. Nobody wants to flash the sadness built up in our eyes.. no. We want to portray what others want to see and hear. The good stuff. What happened to being raw? Whatever happened to being ourselves to make ourselves the happiest? This is where I confess that I’ve failed.

For the majority of the past year I took on a, let’s say, unique outlook on life. I wanted freedom. I wanted to live life fully. I knew changes had to be made, yet I was making all of the wrong ones. I made unhealthy choices (not illegal ones! haha!), thought I was living the life I had wanted.. only to realize I was living the life that others wanted from me. Don’t assume I didn’t have fun because I did. But it wasn’t me. That’s not who I’ve grown to be as an adult and I could feel it deep in my core. I know myself enough to know what I’m passionate about, what drives me and what holds me back. Last year held many changes for me, yet I didn’t run with fueled inspiration towards my goals. I fed my changes with other things that led me into a rut of cumbersome feelings and mind full of confusion and strife. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to stray from a goal driven path spending the majority of a year without proper reason.

It may sound odd, but I believe that a new year is much like a fresh start. I believe that how you choose to spend the first day of a fresh start is the first page to a new chapter. Granted, we can’t always control our surroundings, but we can choose how we react to it. That, and I’m a deep thinker, soul searcher, borderline superstitious, and I believe in karma. That said, even though all of my decisions haven’t been the best, I believe that by refocusing and realigning my goals, I can “fix” my past year.. reshaping my future to be what no one thought I could ever become.

I fail. You fail. Yet, if we’re lucky enough to wake in the morning we can make today our best yet. Perspective takes us to unchartered territory, if we let it. Lets not do what we’ve been doing. We listen to the clouded voices from our past selves, our history and make them our reality. Nobody said we have to be perfect. That’s an unachievable quest. All we can be is better than who we were yesterday. I learned this the hard way. And I’ve done so year after year. You know why.. because we grow, we change, we reevaluate and grow more. That’s why yesterday’s you will never compare to today’s or tomorrow’s you.

I think it’s important to grow and change. A stagnant life is a life not worthy of you. I’ve always yearned to be more than I am. Always. Nobody can hold my hand or guide me there. Only I can take the steps in MY right direction to be who I want to become, where I want to be.

I love life. Good and bad, happy or sad.. it’s mine and I have one chance to enjoy the crap out of it! So, today may have been a train wreck, yet I know tomorrow I’ll be sipping my tea on a balcony in Paris (theoretically, of course).

If you’re like me, a parent, you can only imagine the guilt I felt when the reality of every not-so-good choice I’ve made came crashing down in my kid’s eyes. No, I didn’t neglect them or leave them high & dry, but I did spend more time away from my kid’s than I ever have before. (Insert: I have only spent ONE night away from my kid’s in their entire lives). I put myself before them a few times. I didn’t do anything wrong or harmful, my intent was make myself a priority for a change. I did that. To be quite honest, I enjoyed much of my time not spent “being a mom”, but that isn’t my life. They are. Writing is. Dreaming of my future self in Paris, London and Ireland.. that’s me. Working to accomplish every item on my Goals list, that’s me. Showing my kid’s that all dreams are can come true with enough perseverance and passion, that’s who I’m striving to be.

We got this, people! Every rut comes to an end, we just need a good kick sometimes to help us get moving again.


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