We are nothing without fear. We will never pass through existence without feeling reservations toward something. What is it about us that leads us to be so light-footed in the scramble of our goals? Have we lost ambition, drive? No, of course not. Fear. That’s why.
I’ve spent many years claiming to chase my dreams, yet to this day I have not “accomplished” one. As I think there’s an enormous underlying cause to my delay, I realized that I have succeeded, just in ways I never imagined. Being a successful writer (not monetary, but by passionate readers) was what I’ve imagined I’d become by now. Not a wife or mother. This is where my so-called dreams went awry. Unbeknownst to me, God had a better plan. No matter what I thought I wanted in this life, I’ve always believed in following God’s guide. If someone knows better, it is not me. Following his lead, I can happily walk through my life with the knowledge that I am who I am meant to be. I am a wife and mother, I am a daughter and friend, I am a writer and I love to read. I love that no matter what I think I know, I can always rely on my faith to bring me where I’m meant to be.
Never being someone who cared what anyone else thought I should do or be, I never invested wholeheartedly into many relationships. In my years, I have seen how my lack of caring has built a wall around my own heart. Never allowing anyone to truly know me, so as not to get hurt. Funny how things change when you have kids. For never being the soft cuddling type, I am now a fluffy mama who spends as much time as possible with my small humans. They were created to be my heart and soul, and not one day goes by that I could see myself doing anything else. Being a mom who enjoyed attachment parenting, I have a tendency to become frustrated by the lack of time to follow my own dreams. Recently, I have had the itch to get a job outside of the home and, after applying and being accepted, my husband and I decided it was not in the best interest of our family at the time. That hit hard. I am not one to cry, yet turning down the position was upsetting. I want to write. I want to be successful in that art. I had a bit of resentment because I couldn’t follow what I thought I wanted. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to realize that my dreams will come in time, but for now, with my family is where I need to be. We have a ton of changes happening in our lives at the moment (moving again) and now is not the time to toss my kiddos to the side for selfishness. I do not regret any decisions made.. I am simply telling a story.
So, you see, fear does play a role in ways we don’t even realize. We must continue to learn, love and accept who we are meant to be in order to be successful in this life. We all have dreams; we should never stop dreaming! That is the drive for a better tomorrow. I will become the writer I see myself as, yet I will do so in time. Learning the craft, becoming more educated, continuing to practice on you (!) and doing so as I’m meant to. I won’t sit back and watch life pass me by. No way. I will do so and follow God’s lead. It’s been said to ‘go with your gut’ and that makes so much sense to me.
Its been a long time since we’ve chatted. I’m happy to be back with you. As our next and final move is coming rather quickly, I hope there won’t be such a long space between, yet bear with me. See you soon!