as a mother I pledge..

I feel foolish.  I had written a post today that in hindsight is nothing more than me being blind to my blessings. 
I just heard of a mother who’s baby girl (with ds) passed away today.  I dont know the entire story, as I dont know them personally, but my heart breaks for that family.
Much of today has been a step back from where I was last night at the beginning of this post. 
You’re welcome to read further, but my heart has changed.  I can’t focus on things such as a crabby sleeper when the bigger picture leads me elsewhere…  my undying love for my kids and husband.

Before I became a parent I had always heard that having kids would be the most challenging and rewarding part of life.  I never realized how true that statement was until my two kiddos were born.

Before I go any farther, please know that I am not complaining or seeking pity.  This is just a talk about life.  My life.

After having one baby I was unsure that I could love another child the same way.  He is my sunshine.  An adorable little guy.  Yes, he has a bit of attitude and drives me bonkers at times, but he’s my first born.  Some people may think he’s a handful, which he is, but he’s also the sweetest, most compassionate (almost) three year old. 

Then we had ingrid.  She’s beautiful!  Despite anything we could be told about being the parents of a special needs baby, none of it mattered.  She’s my baby girl.  She’s lighthearted, has a contagious giggle, and her curiosity for the world around her is amazing.  She’s amazing.

As much as I love my kids, I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed.  Our lives are in a state of chaos at the moment.  There is so much occupying space in my head these days that I feel I’m losing sight of what’s most important…my family & loving structure. 

Everyone is aware that our beautiful Ingrid has Down Syndrome.  She’s a wonderful little girl who is extremely loved.  When bedtime comes it seems as though she has a bit of personality change.  As beautiful and graceful as she is through much of the day, its quite the opposite at night.  She becomes near violent.  Slaps, scratches, pulls my hair, etc.  Because I’m at a loss of how to handle the nightly situation I’m open to any and all suggestions.  Please know that as I do keep my composure during this struggle it gets more difficult each night.
That said, she is still a horrible sleeper.  We’ve tried many tricks to ease her into sleep and to remain asleep, to no avail.  As I’ve mentioned in previous posts I am one exhausted mama.  I’m confident I can count one one hand how many full nights of sleep I’ve had in her 15 months if life. 

Ah, then there is our three year old, brixton.  Need I say anymore?!  He’s funny, talkative, loving, and downright goofy sometimes.  He can drive us to brink of crazy town then comeback with a comment such as “mom, you look awesome today.” 

I can’t say enough good about our lives. We have an amazing family and wonderful support system (which most do not live near us).  But sometimes a dinner with john, a bubble bath ALONE, or even a hour to regroup would be wonderful.
Last night was particularly tough.  John had surgery just two days ago and isnt able to help much at home.