a season of change.

Every day we create a new, better plan for our future.  It seems that each plan is better than the last, but loses a bit of zest along the way.  That zest I’m referring to is our “plan” for Europe.  Although we continue to set our sights on living in Germany,  I can’t help but feel as though it will always remain a desire,  not my reality.  

My husband and I have (potentially) decided that it would be a better decision to postpone our move once again.  The reasons behind this change of heart are of the utmost importance for our future and reasoning for wanting the move in the first place.  Financially,  we could possibly be putting ourselves into a rut by moving at the time we originally planned.  By going a bit later, rather than sooner, we will have given ourselves more time to prepare for the cost incurred in moving such a distance.  The cost of moving had been prepared for, but the unlimited expenses of wanting to travel, living outside of our comfort zone, etc., have made us realize our wrongful impatience.  It’s quite shameful as a parent to knowingly plan such a move, with ambition to show our kids the world, yet restrict it at the same time.  So, we push back our move…again. 

As the holidays are here, I feel compelled to share one thing that goes along with my push to move my family to unchartered territory.  Not only am I impatient,  but I can be incredibly demanding.  I’m completely aware of the faults I have.  But as the days go by, I fear that these traits I carry are turning more harmful than good.  For years I’ve pushed others away because I lacked respect for what they thought or how they felt.  By doing that, I have personal relationships that I’ve most likely broken.   Yesterday my family and I went to church.  It’s been quite awhile since I had felt so okay with being in a peaceful setting, knowing I have a number of bad aspects, yet loved regardless.  It felt good.  I did something I try not to do…I prayed for myself.   I prayed that I be kinder to people; not strangers,  but the ones dearest to me.  My family and friends.   They seem to be at the forefront of my attitude.  I realized that I cant be the best person for my husband and kids if I dont feel as though I’m treating others fairly.  Every action, verbally or not, is seen by my kids.  Im not teaching them unconditional love and acceptance if I can’t accept others, for whatever reason.  

This Christmas I ask this…if I feel compelled to buy a homeless person lunch, then why can’t I accept others (in my life) who I don’t agree with?!  I dont know the homeless person, but doing a selfless act for them makes me feel good.  So, why cant I seem to do, or be, selfless for the people in my personal life that I claim to love?!  My ugly habit of disconnecting from people has to end.  I need to let it be and enjoy who they are, or at least try.  

My season is changing and will continue to do so.  I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays,  or whatever you celebrate!!  

Make it grand!!!