broken hearted.

here we are sitting on the hospital bed in the room that ingrid had been assigned to several days ago. my husband and son left just a short while ago. and no matter what i do, i can’t stop thinking about my little ones. i’ve been at the hospital with ingrid since friday, yet i haven’t seen my son more than a few hours here or there since.

its breaking my heart. i watch them leave every night & it brings tears to my eyes just knowing that he doesn’t understand why mama and baby aren’t going with them. i want nothing more than to have a healthy baby girl so we can go home and spend our time with the rest of the family.

i understand that there are necessary reasons for us to still be here. and i understand that the doctors have ingrid’s best interest in mind. but what i don’t understand is why we’re still here when the doctors who were consulted for specific reasons already said we can do their recommended tests as outpatient. ingrid has gained weight on a daily basis since she was admitted. she has also been cleared of a few suspected issues that could’ve potentially caused her weight loss. regardless, we are still here and it seems like a bit of overkill. when we arrived we were told that as long as she gained weight for three consecutive days, we could go home. we met that goal as of this morning, yet every doctor that enters this room has a different reason to keep her here. when asked if there is something wrong i get the same response.. “no, nothing new has been found. we just want to make sure her weight is stable.” again, i understand. her health is our priority. i want nothing more than for her to be healthy, happy and safe.

at the same time, i think of our son. since ingrid was born i feel that i’ve been so busy taking care of her that i may have backed off from being his mama, his biggest supporter. i love my kids more than i can ever express and i never want either of them to feel any less. which is, again, why i need to get home. i need to be home to take care of both of them to the fullest extent. i want to make sure they both know how much their mama & daddy love them. and i need to be there for the little things..bedtime, bath time, play time. i miss my boys so much.

i sit her holding ingrid, looking at her face knowing how much i would give anything to take away her problems. to know that she is 3 weeks old and has been in the hospital more than most kids will ever be, just doesn’t sit well with me.

i want to take away any hurt, confusion, or discomfort that my kids may have. this is almost impossible to do when i’m torn. i can’t be in two places at once which leads to one of my kids being away. my husband has been the best supporter of our situation and has taken impeccable care of our son. they come every day to see us and spend time as a family. but it’s just not the same.

hopefully, we’ll be able to go home tomorrow. ingrid’s road is looking to be a long one, and i, as her mama, will never leave her side. the same goes for my son. fingers crossed that even with down syndrome, she can overcome all obstacles that cross her path.